As we're sure you'll all soon find out, life on a farm can present you with some interesting stories.  These stories then seem to transfer into wonderful life lessons.  They also make for some HUGE belly laughs as well.  

As I've mentioned several times before, Floyd and I view ourselves as "City Slickers" turned farmers.  We've made mistakes along the way but we've loved absolutely every single minute of our lives on this farm.  We think our lives are pretty similar to that of the folks on that old TV show "Green Acres".  Every time we do another dumb "city" thing, we find ourselves signing that song...   Green acres is the place to be.... Farm livin' is the life for me...  

I think you really have to be here to get the full benefit of the song.

Well, we hope you enjoy some of our stories.
 

This first story has been given two names... It's been published in a few industry related small magazines and periodicals.  It started off as just sharing what I thought was a funny situation with friends.  Needless to say it's grown.

The First Title was.....
Who has the Higher IQ?  The Akbash or the Hunter?

The Second....
Ana Gets her Guns......

I have a little story that I hope will brighten a few faces. This is something that happened on our farm just before Christmas. I've told this story now a couple of times and I've been convinced to put this on alpaca site. This is more of a lesson of what NOT to do, but it does present a funny situation. 

One day before Christmas our dogs in the house started going crazy. I have two Akbash and one Jack Russell. I put them all out assuming they were fussing over the squirrels again. Then I heard a gun shot.  It sounded closer than usual. There is a rifle range a few miles away and when the wind is just right you can hear the shots. I decided to head for the barn and just check on things. 

I went out into one of the pastures in the back of the barn and notice two orange hunters hats in the distance on our property. Our property, all 30 acres, is dually posted "No Hunting" allowed. It's pretty common knowledge in this town that hunting is NOT allowed near our alpaca farm. In Rhode Island you must get permission from a land owner to hunt even if the land isn't posted. Our neighbors also posted their property to help keep hunters from getting too get close to the farm. As you can probably guess we aren't exactly a "hunter friendly" kind of place. I also happen to know Deer season ended December 1. 

I decided to leash up our male Akbash, his name is Kahuna. He's big even for an Akbash. Kahuna is roughly 220 pounds. He thinks he's a lap puppy, much to my husband's dismay, and is normally a very happy go lucky kind of dog. He's so happy that I've found myself wondering how effective he'd actually be guarding and protecting anything. 

We meet up with the hunters. If they had licenses they didn't display them as they should have done. So, I decided to ask for their names and phone numbers so I could turn the information over to the police.  Hey, you can always try. I told them we have a coyote pack that visits from time to time. I told them that my husband was thinking of hiring a hunter or two MAYBE to help with the predator problem. The guys ages 30+ get all excited. They said, "Yeah lady we'd love to come blow them away for you!". I said, well could you give me your names and phone number so my husband can get in touch with you? They said sure and gave me their names and phone numbers. I didn't bring any paper so I wrote it on my hand.  Well, that was easier than I expected. 

Now I have to admit I felt pretty guilty because I just basically lied to these guys. We really did think about hiring some hunters in the beginning, but since the coyotes never became a problem we just let them be. As guilty as I felt, these guys are still hunting on my property that was posted and I know they didn't miss the signs. So I decide to proceed further. 

I asked one of the guys if I could see his gun. My husband has been trying to talk me into getting one.  (This was true.) So the guy gives me the gun! Then I asked the other guy if I could see his gun too, so I could compare them. He also gives me his gun. Now, I'm TOTALLY amazed. I now have both their guns. Not that I would know how to use them. This was totally unexpected. Now what do I do???? 

I look at the guys and tell them to follow me up to the house. They look around in total confusion. I told them I was going to keep their guns until the police arrived. I told them they were hunting illegally on my property and I wasn't exactly pleased by it. 

As you might guess, they weren't happy about the sudden change in the situation. One of them started yelling and made a move toward me. Now I'm thinking, maybe this wasn't the smartest thing I ever done (Understatement!) As the guy takes a step and reaches at me to retrieve his gun, mild mannered Kahuna has decided he has had enough with these guys. He steps in front of him and gets between us with teeth bared growling in a way that even scared me! Kahuna had NEVER done anything remotely close to this in his entire life. 

I can only imagine what the hunters were thinking considering I was about to soil my own britches!  Then I got even more scared when I wondered how in the world I'd ever be able to stop Kahuna if he did decide to go for these guys. He outweighs me by at least __ pounds. (Sorry, I'm not going to give out my weight!) 

The guy backed off, luckily and Kahuna settled down but his eyes never left them. I turned and started for the house. During the trip back to the house, any time Kahuna thought the hunters were getting too close to me he'd stop dead in his tracks and just do a low sounding growl. 

I was still feeling guilty that I lied to the guys. On the way back to the house I asked them if they'd like some coffee or Hot Chocolate, sort of a piece offering. They weren't interested. 

We got back to the house and Kahuna is still pretty upset with these guys. I asked them again if they'd like to come in for some coffee. They both looked at Kahuna who was looking back at them and said no. So Kahuna and I when into the house. Kahuna is now in the house just watching them through the window. The guys decided to have a seat in the lawn chairs on the front porch. 

I called the police department and asked them to please hurry over to pick-up these hunters as I had to get the kids to school. The officer on the desk asked where the hunters were. I told him they were on the porch. "The hunters are just sitting there? Why would they be just sitting there?" he asked. "Well, because I have their guns" I said. He said, "you have their guns??!!". I said yeah. So I related the story to the officer. When he stopped laughing he said he would send up a car. 

About 10 minutes later two officers pulled up. One stayed with the hunters and the other came in the house. You can hear one hunter saying to the officer outside "That dog was going to kill us! It should be put down, it's vicious!" He was saying this as the other officer was in the house petting and being licked to death that mean and vicious dog. Kahuna was back to his happy go lucky lap puppy personality. 

When I related the story to these officers, they both just started laughing. They kept looking at the
hunters shaking their heads and saying, "Guys, you gave her your guns?" 

As the officers were putting the hunters into their police car, they just kept repeating "you gave her your guns? I can't believe you gave her your guns!" 

Even though the police officers were laughing almost uncontrollably, they did manage to give me a lecture about the perils of doing this sort of thing ever again. I got another from my husband, Floyd.  Floyd wasn't quite as amused. 

The hunters were charged with hunting without a license and using high powered rifles which is illegal anywhere in this state. The police have called since then and asked me to consider not pressing charges for criminal trespassing. They felt the humiliation of being disarmed by a woman was enough of a punishment. 

So now I have to ask myself who has the higher IQ? The hunters who gave up their guns? Or the dog who protected its owner from a lapse in judgment? 

I vote for the dog.... 
 

This story will be published in American Livestock magazine in the May/June 2001 issue.  Once again, this is something that just started out as wanting to share a story of how much folks can grow as farmers in a relatively short amount of time.....   

Birdzilla Returns…….

I hope this will brighten someone's day....  It's just another silly story. 

This story isn't as good as the Akbash and Hunter story.  But I thought it was a good one to tell for all of us who were "City Slickers" turned "farmers"...    Since Birdzilla has now returned, it's just reminded me of how truly "green" we use to be.  We've come a LONG way....   This story starts back just about three years ago. 

Here's a mini story of how "city-fied" we really were.  Our oldest child at this time was 8 years old.  For the first month we lived in this house he would sleep under three blankets at night.  The weird part is that it was summer and 85 degrees outside.  I finally asked Ryan one night why he was doing this.  He replied with, "Mom hear that noise?"  I said, "yeah just the sounds of nighttime in the country...”   "No mom those are pee frogs...” I said, "yeah...????".   He said, "Well, if they pee on you it's poisonous and you'll die!"  I had a hard time keeping back the laughter but he was genuinely afraid...  I said, "So why are you under three blankets...?".  He said, "So the pee won't soak through the blankets and kill me... ".  I said, "Ryan they're PEEP frogs not Pee frogs....  They won't kill you". There was no question...  We were city slickers for sure.

 The people who owned this property before us use to allow hunting frequently.  When we first moved into this house/farm it was noticeable that very little of the natural wildlife would venture around.   It wasn't until we started talking with neighbors that we found out about the history of hunting on this property.   As I'm sure most of you have heard by now, our farm isn't a "hunter friendly" sort of place.  It now seems most of the animals in the woods have kind of caught onto this fact.  We have all kinds of wildlife that visits now.  Remember we're the "mush" family when it comes to animals and children. 

Well, the kids were playing in the fields one day and we were doing some of the jobs necessary to get the property "up to snuff" for alpacas to be able to come and live here.  We noticed this grouse/partridge was coming very very close to where we were.  It was very unusual and totally fascinating to us city slickers.  All kinds of ohh's and ahh's came from all of us.  I immediately sent one of our sons to the garage to bring some birdseed to feed this little girl.  At least I thought it was a girl.  You know the dull colored feathers thing and all.

 Well, she continued to hang around the house for days...  At this time we only had the two Akbash dogs that were young puppies at this time. There were no other house animals...   We would go out and put seed out for her and she seemed to love it.  She ruled the yard.  The puppies wouldn't even consider messing with her.  She didn't appear aggressive or anything.  She'd just hold her own...   It was amazing to watch for the city folks. 

Floyd and I developed this morning ritual, we'd sit in our lawn chairs with our morning coffee and survey our "sprawling" land and pat ourselves on the back for the accomplishments we were going to make as "farmers".  Only a true City Slicker can do this properly.  Properly meaning arrogantly.  We were what use to be called in the hotel business "transplants".  We were transplanted form the city with 1/8th of an acre at the beach in Newport, RI to what we thought was a "sprawling" piece of property, 30 acres...   We thought all of this was great.  The Bird learned of our little ritual one day and decided to join us...  We'd bring the seed along with the coffee and feed her while we sat and drank coffee...  We were totally loving all this.  Look at how we're interacting with Nature!!!  We were very proud of ourselves and rather cocky if I do say... 

One day about 2-3 weeks after we met this bird, Ryan went out to feed this bird as usual.  I was off doing my thing and wasn't watching Ryan.  Ryan put the seed down and then turned to leave.   The screams that came from this little boy were terrifying for a mother...  I go running out there...  Once I get there nothing is going on.  The bird appears to be her normal self and all is fine.  I asked Ryan why he was screaming like that he said the bird flew after him and was trying to jump on his back!  She wasn't doing anything that seemed out of the norm so I just chalked it up to the city kid and another situation like the peep frogs. 

The next day I asked Ryan to go feed the bird again....  He was reluctant this time...  I finally persuaded him to go...  The same screams come out of this boy and I go running out there...  As I'm explaining that he's just being silly the bird this time flew at me, trying to land on me or something...   I didn't know why but I didn't like it at all...  Both Ryan and I go running into the house...  Ryan and I are standing in the kitchen both silent...  We were still amazed and just standing there.  Ryan turns to me and says, "Mom, I have a name for the bird".  I said yeah, what...  He said, "Birdzilla!"  Birdzilla it was and is to this day...

 I took over the feeding of Birdzilla as Ryan now refused...  So for about another month I was the one to feed her.  I learned that if you'd put down the seed and then just back away she wouldn't fly at you...  So this was how it was done.

 Birdzilla would follow us everywhere on the property.  Always about 5 feet behind us...  When I was out seeding one of the pastures she'd follow me on each lap around the pasture.  She wouldn't eat the seed though.  One time she stood in front of the tractor and refused to move.  I would yell for Birdzilla to move but she refused.  So, I got off the tractor and went to her.  She still refused to move.  Then I bent down and picked her up.  First time that had happened...  Then I moved her to another area...  That worked for about 20 minutes and then she was back.  Good thing the seeding was done at that point...

 We're now at September and it's time for the boys to start school.  The routine at the house changed.  I was able to convince Ryan to feed Birdzilla again.   She started this new thing.  When I'd leave to take the boys to school she'd fly along side the car the whole length of the driveway.  Our driveway is about 700 feet long.  We thought it was pretty funny and amazing...  Again we were city slickers so little things like this amused us... 

As with any child taking care of animals, Ryan would sometimes forget to feed Birdzilla.  She'd show up on the porch and I'd finally notice her and give her seed.  Then one day I guess I didn't notice her.  I was in the office and heard a knock on the door.  All the exterior doors in this house are metal.  I go to the door and no one was there.  I got a cup of coffee and heard the knock again.  No one there.  I walk around the house to see of it's the electric man or something..  I can't find anyone...  Birdzilla is outside but no one else.  I went back in the house and started working again...  About 30 minutes later I heard it again.  Now I'm really mad and wondering what the heck is going on...  Well, I opened the door and there's Birdzilla!  I went into the garage and got her seed and gave it to her.  From this point on, if we ever forgot to give her seed she'd literally knock on the door... 

One day I forgot Birdzilla again and she knocked on the door.  Well, this time I was on the phone in heated negotiations with the FSA for our farm loan. I ignored Birdzilla.  Big MISTAKE!  After I finally got off the phone I hear her knock again.  I opened to door to go feed her seed but this time Birdzilla flies into the house!!!!! We have an open cathedral ceiling kitchen, which has wood beams across it.  Birdzilla lands on one of those.  The Akbash puppies are now going nuts they think its playtime...  My response was "Ohh... Shi_!!!!!".  How was I going to get this bird out of my house????

I called my loving husband who raised 500 racing pigeons during his childhood.  I affectionately call Floyd, "Bird boy"...  So, I call Bird Boy and tell him what's going on...  I knew he'd have an answer...  Floyd just started laughing at my dilemma and said, "The only thing I can suggest is to open the oven door and see if she'll fly in there!”  We both had a good laugh with this one...  I put the dogs out and ran a seed trail from where she was out the door she came in...  Birdzilla was finally out... 

Evidentially Birdzilla decided she like the house better than the woods...  She made it in a few other times.  But I knew how to get her out now.  She would always try to fly into the house at every opportunity.  When ever we'd want to go into the house we'd have to look both ways before crossing to make sure Birdzilla wasn't close enough to get in...

 Now comes Grandma from North Carolina for her annual visit.  At the time my Grandmother was 77.  She's a southern Baptist ministers wife who had never worked a day in her life.  She has long manicured nails and the traditional southern beehive hairdo.  To top this combination off she was spoiled rotten by my grandfather and was stubborn as anything..  Floyd says he knows where I get it all from... 

It's grandma's first full day on the farm.  The boys and Grandma were having breakfast before school.  I was up getting dressed.  I had warned Grandma about Birdzilla.  The boys were now telling Grandma about some of the stories about life with Birdzilla...  Well, grandma tells the boys they were just over reacting and decides she's going to show them.  Grandma goes out and gets the seed.  The boys are now thinking this is going to be pretty funny.  They only warned Great grandma one time.  My demon babies never thought to come up and get me so I could stop stubborn Grandma from making a BIG mistake...  I think deep down they knew they were about to get a huge show and were loving the possibilities!  The boys wisely decide to stay inside the house as grandma is going to "do her thing".  Birdzilla hears the door open and comes running as usual...  Grandma puts down the seed and walked away.  She turned her back....!  Birdzilla pounces onto Grandma's beehive hairdo!  Grandma has so much hairspray in that doo that Birdzilla's feet get stuck.  I now have this 77-year-old woman running around the yard screaming and Birdzilla squawking....  What a sight....!!!!!!!

Birdzilla finally breaks free as I reach them both.  They're both sitting there panting like crazy...  I started laughing like I've never laughed before...  Grandma chimes in and starts laughing too.  Considering Grandma's age I was lucky she didn't have a heart attach right there.  She and Birdzilla were fine though.  Grandma learned the hard way to never turn her back on Birdzilla....  What a sight grandma's hair was after the incident! 

With the change in weather come field mice who are now trying to get into the house.  We decide we should probably get a couple of cats to help deal with this.  Two cats arrive from the animal shelter and they square off with Birdzilla.  Birdzilla is triumphant and continues to reign the over the property...  The cats just totally ignore Birdzilla.  We were now use to her and were having fewer and fewer incidents with Birdzilla. 

About a year and a half later Birdzilla stops showing up.  We don't know if a cats finally won or what.  We were all pretty sad about her departure.

 Well, we hadn't seen Birdzilla since the early spring.  She showed up this week!  We were all pretty happy about it.  We were happy until she knocked on the door and flew into the house again.... 

The contingent of house animals now consists of 2 adult Akbash dogs, 2 cats and 1 new Jack Russell Terrier from the animals shelter...  It was a bit harder to get Birdzilla out of the house this time....

 So it all starts over again....  Birdzilla has returned!!!!!